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Helsinki Voted World’s Most Livable City

A satirical look at current events!

Helsinki Voted World’s Most Livable City:  According to Monocle’s 2011 Quality of Life survey, Helsinki, Finland has been voted the “most livable city in the world.”  That settles it!  I’m off to Finland to raise some Helsinki.

Psychiatric Group Calls Nail Biting a Mental Disorder:  The American Psychiatric Association has voted to classify nail biting as an addiction and a mental disorder.  Association members described the vote as very close, but were reluctant to label it as a “real nail biter.”

Suzuki to Stop Selling Cars in U.S:  Suzuki Motors says it will focus on selling motorcycles, all-terrain vehicles and outboard engines for boats and stop selling cars in the US. Which is probably a smart business decision in that almost no one in the US had any idea that Suzuki was still selling cars.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

No Offers to Adopt Cat With Hitler Mustache:  Staff at a British animal shelter say no one seems interested in adopting a six-week-old kitten whom they’ve playfully named “Kilter” because of a black mark under its nose that closely resembles Hitler's mustache.  Shelter workers say that while they fully understand people’s reluctance to adopt a cat that looks like Hitler, they are quick to point out that a kitten of this size would have very little chance of successfully invading a country such as Poland or Slovakia. 

Tourist Catches Child Who Fell From 4th Floor Balcony:  A quick-thinking English tourist caught a two year old girl as she was falling from a fourth-floor Orlando hotel balcony.  While praising the effort, Orlando police say a surveillance video shows that woman stepped out of bounds just before the child fell into her arms and therefore the catch must be ruled as incomplete.

Kangaroo Attacks Elderly Woman:  Police in Australia had to use pepper spray after a 94-year-old woman who was hanging laundry in her backyard was attacked by a rogue kangaroo.  Officials confirm the animal will of course be tried in a “kangaroo court.”

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Americans and Phone Sex:  A recent study found that 38% of American adults report that they have had phone sex over the past year.  I tried having phone sex once, but found myself at a loss for words.

High Gas Prices Hurting Families:  A new USA TODAY/Gallup Poll finds that nearly eight in ten Americans say the high gas prices have had a negative financial impact on their families.  The other 20% own oil company stock.

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